Where am I heading to? - raw random thoughts

I've never thought I would struggle so much with not knowing what to do.

Or maybe I am over complicating it?

and focus so much in getting a fake sense of knowing what I'm doing.

Some may say that it's normal, I say it's kind of pathetic, and I should've known by now where I'm heading to.

He will say I am behind with my life so this is the result of my choices.

my choices...

I still haven't made peace with that.

How do I do that?

Accept that one can be flawed.

Is it my choices I don't agree with or the outcome?

It seems that the outcome has hurt more than the choices.

and that leaves me afraid of what I might discover within me...

how much of a disgusting being am I?

quite a big one.

I'm still mainly focused on how life feels for me, and how I don't do what I should be doing, and how I lack things or I am unhappy.

I can see the point in that, cause I don't have much to offer at this moment.

Is it true what I believe?

That having had no abundance you cannot give?

So focusing on one self would result in more wealth?

Is the path to wealth lonely?

Are you able to give while on this path?

and if yes, to whom? for how long? how much?

When do you know you haven't passed the limit and that now you're going down trying to give?

You ought to figure out to whom to give. So you'll not end up burnt out.

You must give to someone that will give back if you're in need.

or must you?

I am in a weird place in life, and I don't know what to make of it.

I often cry and sort of laugh at myself.

It's silly, the way I react to the world, because most of the time nothing is happening.

I know life ain't easy, but to think about having to live through sickness, poverty and more 

tragedy, I cannot see myself being capable of that.

So I often feel kind of dumb moaning about my situation when I have nothing in my way to stop me other than myself.

and I don't know how to make myself to cooperate.

Negotiation?

What would I teach myself to do?

I am really keen to find "jobs" for other people in my life, but I don't seem to find a "job" for myself.

I NEED to find out what am I to be doing

Do I fool myself that I have grater mission?

I don't think so.

I think we all have potential grater missions if we'd be willing to stop eating from our own ass.

All I know is that I want to be STRONG, and that I wouldn't want people to do what I did.

It seems that humans have this feeling of teaching people their stupid mistakes

But I don't see how that works, cause for me, never worked.

I seem to want be bothered to make mistakes, in order to see how the things will take shapes and forms.

and why would my thoughts would be more wiser than anyone's else?

I'm only a silly girl that thought the dirtiest things were the coolest.

What do *I* solve by bringing my thoughts to the table?

What the fuck am I going to be, an inspirational speaker?

God... 

I feel silly at myself, and how simple I thought MY life would be...

my silly imagination simplifying the complexity of my own being.